Left Behind
by Mychand
Summary: Hawke struggles with the unbearable guilt of having left Caitlin behind.
1. Part 1

**Left Behind**

**Part 1 of 2 **

She closed her eyes and tried to calm what was left of her nerves. The musty smell of the small cell she had been forced to call home for the last three months made her nauseas. Her captures had grown nervous and she sensed that something had changed. Maybe this would be her chance; a chance to finally escape the nightmare that seemed to never end.

The sounds around her grew louder. She could hear and feel the explosions closing in on her. "What if I can't get out?" she thought before pushing those fears to the back of her mind. "No, I'm not giving up."

Minutes seemed like an eternity. Before she knew it, a familiar sound penetrated through her. Her heart began to beat so rapidly that she had to calm herself by taking slow deep breaths. After what seemed like an all out war, the sounds stopped and everything around her grew quiet. Her heart sank as the fear of being left behind again crept into her brain. "Please," she thought to herself. "Oh please find me."

Then, out of nowhere she heard a voice yell out. "Move away from the door," he said. "I'm going to shoot the lock."

Caitlin did as instructed. She backed away to the opposite corner of the room. Within seconds, the door flew open and her rescuer stood before her, staring at her in disbelief.

Hawke couldn't help but notice how pale and frail she seemed to be. The sparkle was gone from her eyes and she looked through him as though she didn't know who he was.

"Caitlin?" Hawke asked as he moved towards her and wrapped her up in his arms. "Oh my God, I thought you were dead. I had no idea you were the one they were holding captive."

She felt herself trembling in his arms. She couldn't speak. All these months she'd felt they had left her behind and wondered why they never returned for her. She wanted so badly to ask him what had happened but she couldn't seem to find her voice. Exhaustion overtook her and her legs began to buckle.

She went limp as Hawke quickly picked her up and carried her out of the building that had been her prison for all those months. Seeing them, Dom jumped out of Airwolf and ran over to them.

"Caitlin?" he asked. "How can this be?"

String shook his head. "I don't know but we need to get her out of here. She needs medical help."

"Yeah," replied Dom as he helped Hawke put her inside Airwolf.

The two flew silent for a long time as they both couldn't stop staring at the unconscious form of their friend.

Dom finally spoke up. "String….."

"I know," he replied softly. "How the hell could we have been so wrong Dom? We left her in that hellhole for three months. If Michael hadn't gotten a tip that they were holding some American, she'd still be there and we'd never have known it."

"We have her now," replied Dom. "String, we didn't know."

"We should have," he replied coldly. "We have no idea what she's been through the past three months. It's our fault."

"No String," replied Dom. "How could we have known? We saw her plane go down. It exploded before crashing into the ocean."

"We shouldn't have stopped searching," he replied. "We gave up on her."

Once at the clinic, the doctors rushed Caitlin into one of the examination rooms. Still in disbelief, Dom and Hawke waited out in the hall and were quickly greeted by Michael.

"I had no idea the American they had captured was Caitlin," he told them. "We got lucky with that tip."

"It never should have happened in the first place," Hawke replied, his anger growing. "How could we have made such a huge mistake? Three months! I can't even fathom how she must have felt all that time waiting for us to come and get her."

"Beating yourselves up over it isn't going to help her now," Michael insisted. "You got her back. Maybe it took three months but she's here now and she's okay."

"Is she?" Hawke asked sarcastically. "She sure didn't look okay."

"She will be," said the doctor who overheard the conversation as he came out of the examination room. "But it will take some time."

"What's her condition?" asked Michael.

"I won't sugar coat it," he told them. "There are signs that she was tortured and that she put up quite a fight. She's slightly anemic and underweight. But, with time, physically she should be fine. It's her mental state the concerns me. I'm going to bring in a specialist to speak with her. I can't get her to talk to me."

Hawke sighed deeply. "When can we see her?"

"We're moving her to a room and I just gave her a sedative to relax," he replied. "I would like for you to wait a couple of hours before visiting. Maybe with a little rest, she'll be okay with company."

The guilt that had washed over him was becoming unbearable for Hawke. "I need some air," he said as he quickly headed towards the nearest exit.

Michael watched in disbelief. "He shouldn't blame himself for this," he said. "All signs pointed to the fact that she was dead. There was no way he could have known."

Dom sighed. "I realize that. But, he still can't get over the fact that we left her there," he replied. "He's grieved for three months. I think he just needs time to process it all. We both do."

"It's understandable," Michael said with a frown. "But, he can't afford retreat this time. She's going to need him more than ever now."

"She'll need her family too," replied Dom. "I'm going to go and call them. I'm just not sure what to say."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Outside the clinic, Hawke leaned against the building trying to take in the fresh air and rid the feeling of nausea that was consuming him. His mind jumped back to that horrible day three months earlier. Michael had asked them to go and rescue an American diplomat and his family. Caitlin flew in with Airwolf as an escort to pick up the group of six. All had seemed to be going well until they were overrun by seven enemy planes. Hawke managed to get them all but one, the one that took down Caitlin's plane in a single shot. The sight of the fire engulfed plane had been etched in his brain. When it went down into the ocean, he had felt a sense of loss that tore his soul apart.

Afterwards, Hawke had hidden out in the cabin for two months. Her face, her smile and everything else about her ran through his mind in every waking hour. He loved her. He knew it although he never told her so. He never wanted to forget her and didn't know how he would move on. But little by little Dom had convinced him to do just that. Now, here he was standing outside the clinic with her alive inside and all he wanted to do was run.

The urge to go back to the cabin was strong and he gave into it. "I can't help her now," he thought. "She must hate me for leaving her there all that time."


	2. Part 2

**Part 2 of 2**

Two weeks later, Hawke heard the sound of Santini's helicopter as it approached and landed on the dock. He sat quietly on his sofa as he waited for his friend to enter the cabin. He readied himself for the conversation he knew was coming. But, he couldn't help himself. He'd stayed away those two weeks and told himself that it was in Caitlin's best interest. She'd had her family to lean on. He felt that she didn't need him. He was the reason she'd been gone all those months. He'd let her down.

"So, you're still alive I see," Dom said sarcastically as he opened the front door to the cabin.

Hawke shrugged. "What do you want Dom?" he asked.

"Look String," he replied. "I gave you two weeks to get your act together but now it's time you got off of your ass and talked to Caitlin."

Hawke shot him a look of disgust. "I can't," he told him flatly.

"Can't or won't?" asked Dom. "That excuse isn't exactly going to fly with me and you know it."

Hawke refused to budge. "Go home Dom," he ordered him.

"Oh, I'm leaving," he assured him. "But, I'm leaving your houseguest on the front porch. She won't talk to anyone and now neither one of you has a choice."

Hawke watched as Dom slammed the door shut. He got up and looked out the window and saw him climb aboard the helicopter and take off. He felt his stomach do a summersault as he slowly opened the front door of the cabin and walked out on to the porch.

He saw her sitting in the lounge chair with her knees drawn up to her chest. She was very still and didn't look at him. He couldn't help but notice that her coloring was better than it had been when he first rescued her. But, her eyes were still cold and vacant.

He took a deep breath and walked over to her. It's too cold for you to stay out here," he told her as he extended out his hand.

She turned and stared at him for a moment before finally talking his hand and allowing him to pull her up from the chair and inside of the cabin.

She sat down on the couch and once again pulled her knees up to her chest.

Hawke sighed deeply and sat down beside her. "This wasn't my idea either you know," he told her. "I'm guessing you were forced to come here."

"No," she finally said softly. "I've been waiting for you."

"Waiting?" he asked.

"I waited three months," she replied. "Waiting for two more weeks was easy."

"Cait I'm…." he started to say but was interrupted.

"Don't," she said while standing up and moving across the room. "Don't make it about you."

"I..I'm not," he replied.

"You are," she said as she turned back towards him. "You blame yourself and you've stayed away, leaving me to endure my parents and all the others."

"I was just giving you time," he told her.

"Time for what?" she asked as he watched the fire in her eyes return. "You left me!"

"I know," he replied. "I thought you were dead. We searched for hours and couldn't find anything but the remnants of the plane. I would have never left if I'd thought there was even the slightest chance you had survived."

Caitlin plopped back down on the couch and grabbed his arm. "That's not what I'm talking about," she replied. "I understood that you thought I was dead when you left me behind. I would have thought and done the same. I don't blame you for that."

"But you just said….." he replied.

"I'm talking about at the clinic," she said while shooting him a cold look. "I needed you. I needed to talk to you and you left me."

"I thought I would be the last person you'd want to see," he replied. "I let you down. I missed that plane and he took you down. I still don't know how you survived."

Caitlin bit her bottom lip as she stared at him. "I washed up on a small island not far from where you rescued me," she replied. "They weren't too happy to have me there, especially since you had just blown away most of their air support."

Caitlin stared into in his eyes and waited for him to reply. She could see the pain and anguish in them. She wanted to spare him the pain she'd gone through but she knew she had to be honest with him. For the first time since they'd met, she decided she wasn't going to hold back.

"Did they hurt you?" he asked while knowing part of the answer.

Caitlin sighed. "My kidnappers liked to hit," she replied softly. "It didn't matter that I was a woman. They treated me just like their other prisoners. I'll have a few scares but I survived. I wouldn't let them break me then and I'll be damned if they'll consume my life now."

Hawke knew he had always admired her, but right at the moment he had more respect for her than anyone else he'd ever met. Fear crept into his brain as he asked his next question. "Cait, you don't have to answer this but….."

"No," she replied. "They never touched me like that," she replied, knowing what he was about to ask.

She could see the relief slowing washing over him and that put her at ease. "Would it have mattered if they had?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Caitlin moved closer to him and wrapped her arms around his neck before kissing him. To her dismay, he kissed her back at first and then quickly pushed her away.

"Caitlin," he told her. "Stop."

"You're right," she said as she pulled away from him and stood up. "For three months all I thought about was you. I was so mad at myself for not being up front with you about my feelings. I told myself that if I ever got out of there, I'd tell you how I felt not matter the consequence. I guess I always knew you didn't feel the same but I couldn't move on without knowing. I didn't want to always wonder."

She moved towards the door and grabbed the knob. "I'll wait outside," she added sadly. "Call Dom and tell him he can come and get me now.

Caitlin moved back to the chair on the porch and pulled her knees back up to her chest. This time she hid her face and tried to stop the tears that were falling down her cheeks. She'd known the outcome long before she ever came. Although painful, the fact that she finally tried gave her a sense of completeness that she had been missing for a long time.

Hawke waited for several minutes before coming out onto the porch with her. When he finally did, he sat down in the chair beside her and waited awhile to speak.

"I don't want you to go," he told her softly. "I want you here, with me."

Caitlin looked up at him. "I can't stay," she replied. "That's the second thing that I promised myself. It's time for me to move on now. At least I won't always wonder."

Hawke sighed. "Caitlin, I didn't tell you to stop because I didn't want you," he assured her. "I just didn't think I deserved you."

Caitlin felt her pulse quicken but she kept her head buried in her knees.

"I thought about the same thing the first two months you were gone," he admitted. "I hated myself for not telling you how I felt. Everyone else that I've loved and lost knew how I felt about them. I never told you and yet I still lost you. I realized that it hurts worse when feelings go unspoken.

Caitlin sat quiet and let the words he'd just spoken absorb in her brain. "Did he just admit that he loves me?" she asked herself.

Finally, Hawke stood up and leaned over her. He grabbed her by the arms and pulled her up towards him. "Come on," he ordered her. "It's too cold out here. Let's go back inside."

Caitlin reluctantly followed him inside. She wiped the rest of the tears from her cheeks and sat in a chair by the window.

"I'm not calling Dom," he told her. "We aren't finished yet."

Caitlin shrugged. "Why?" she asked. "You're the one standing there and blaming yourself for something you had no control over. You're the one who has to accept the fact that you're not perfect. No one is."

Hawke moved to the fireplace and stoked it causing the flames to go higher. The warmth from it radiated throughout the room. Afterwards, he pulled his t-shirt up and over his head and threw it down and across another chair.

Caitlin just stared at him and then shook her head. "If you were hot, why stoke the fire?" she asked.

Instead of answering, he moved towards her and grabbed her. He pulled her closer to him and began unbuttoning her blouse. She started to object but the look in his eyes stopped her. He pulled her close and she could feel his heart beating fast.

"String….." she started to say.

"Shhhh…."he replied. "You had your say. It's my turn. I've decided that I can't let you walk out of my life. I need you. I didn't realize just how much until you were gone. As scared as I am to love you, I'm more afraid of letting you go."

Hawke stared into her eyes. The warmth he finally saw in them told him that he was doing the right thing. She slowly finished removing her blouse and put her arms around his neck. He couldn't help but notice several of the scares that lined her shoulders. The thought of the pain she must have endured tore into his heart.

He slowly leaned over and gently kissed each shoulder before wrapping his arms around her and pulling her closer to him before finally kissing her softly on the lips.

"I do love you," he admitted afterwards. "There wasn't a day that you were gone that I didn't think about you. I'm so sorry that I never told you."

Caitlin finally smiled. "I love you too," she said as she pulled him back into another kiss and then pushed him down on the sofa.

"Wow, I knew you were a take charge kind of girl but…." Hawke said teasingly.

Caitlin giggled. "Sorry," she said as she jumped on top of him. "Thinking about being with you is what helped me get through those three months. I guess I've gotten a little impatient."

Hawke laughed. "You have nothing to be sorry for," he told her. "This is actually a side of you that I think I'm going to enjoy getting to explore."

Caitlin smiled. "Just wait," she assured him. "You haven't seen anything yet."

**The End**


End file.
